oh magic conch shell
The lamest Christmas list ever.

I made a Christmas list for Mom. Are you ready kids?

1. shower curtain
2. bath mats
3. electric blanket

How sad is that? The strange thing is...(aside from the objects actually on the list) when I sat down and made the list I specifically put the word new in from of the items, like "a new shower curtain" and "new bath mats". Like my Mom would wrap up an old shower curtain and old bath mats in pretty paper and put them under her perfect Martha Stewart Christmas tree. I have a couple more things I'm thinking of adding to the list, but they are equally pathetic so I won't go into detail now. I'll let your mind wander.

Let's make a better list.
1. clear skin
2. An asian baby - hey, I like babies, and little asian babies are quite cute.
3. An e-z bake oven. I always wanted one of these things. Finally, a few years ago, Mom bought me one so I would shut up. Guess what? When the big dissolution happened, it is one of the things that magically disappeared from my former house. So the e-z bake oven continues to elude me. (note to Mom: if you'd have bought me one of these sooner, maybe I wouldn't go to Pei Wei so much)
4. an unlimited Starbucks card
5. a clean car
6. a laundry fairy

Santa, I promise I have been a good girl this year.

Nice girls finish last.

I am way too nice. Sadly, it is not the first time I have heard this. People are unable to find flaws with me (aside from the bad skin) so that is perplexing to them. It would apparently be way easier for people to trust me, to form relationships with me, feel more comfortable with me if I was not so nice, if there were not so many perfect things about me. Must I resolve to be a bitch? How does one go about doing that? Maybe I should consult with the evil sock monkey. I bet she knows. Yes, some people read their horoscopes. Some people consult the magic eight ball. I have a sock monkey.

My hair is done. My toes are done. My nails are done. My eyebrows are done. I'm not horribly fat right now. Folks, this is as good as it is going to get...this may be the prettiest I am all month. Aside from the bad skin that is. But I have just resigned myself to the fact that it is never going to get any better. Sigh.

-Robyn...soon to be Sleeping Beauty

- posted by Robyn @ 9:25 PM 1 comments

 
ghost in the machine, part II
Yet another giant mis-step. Huge. Enormous. About the size of the Grand Canyon.

Person in my life, we will call him R.I. for short. Nice date on Friday night. The last thing R.I. said to me was that R.I. would call first thing in the morning after getting around. Saturday morning am laying in bed asleep and my phone starts buzzing with a text message. It's from said R.I. What a lovely way to start the day. I was rather surprised but pleased by the content of the message. And somewhat foggy from just being roused. It takes me a couple of hours and a trip to Starbucks to be clear-headed. Not only was the message sent to me once, but again and again and again. R.I. sometimes sends me messages in this rapid-fire manner.

I laid there in bed and I thought about it for a while. I thought I'm not going to respond. But, never one to not respond, I sent a reply. Then I spent a blissful couple of hours, mostly by being lazy laying in my bed, thinking how lovely it was that someone thought such nice things about me. Me, me, me! Yes, me! Because I totally deserve it. Right?

What goes up must come down.

Approximately two hours later, another text message. Again from R.I. This one stating that R.I. was glad I had enjoyed those messages from his child.

Ouch.

Oooouuuuch.

Thank you. That information would have been useful about two hours earlier.

I responded something like nooooo, generally I think messages from you are from you. And how was I to know?

But alas I am resilient and I can frame this any way that I please. Let's begin, shall we:

1. Oh well. At least I had a nice couple of hours.
2. It's great that kids today are so skilled with technology and electronic messaging considering I cannot find job applicants who can even type 20 words per minute.
3. It's probably not the dumbest boy related thing I've ever done, nor is it likely to be the dumbest boy related thing I will ever do.
4. Hey, it is great that I can still continue to wax optimist with the romantic fantasies.
5. After prior experience being dumped via e-mail, and now this, perhaps one can finally learn lesson about romanticism and electronic media. They do not mix. So, we can write it up as educational. A learning experience. And those are always good.
6. I always, always always always always have my sock monkey and my little rat dog. They love me no matter what.

The rest of my Saturday? I got to go to a wedding and watch the ultimate romantic fantasy: two people pledging their lives to each other for all of eternity.

At least I didn't have to work today.

-Robyn...silly robyn, trix are for kids





- posted by Robyn @ 2:49 PM 1 comments

 
fun-due
Back by Popular Demand

Missed me? Silly question. Of course you have.

Lots, lots to blog about. Just been a busy girl. I'm sooooooooooo popular.

Thanksgiving.
Had Thanksgiving last Sunday with the folks. Holidays like this are good. They do give us reason to stop and remind ourselves what we are thankful for. They also give us the opportunity to ponder how stark raving crazy our mom's are.

My mother had a massive headache on the night before we celebrated thanksgiving. Yet, she was in the kitchen, baking pies. Why? Because somebody has to make the pies. God forbid my brother or my dad would have to go purchase a pie, or make a pie.

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking I could make the pies. Are you crazy? I am a little bit discouraged though. The gay men at work can make pie and I can't. That hardly seems right. That probably explains why they are in committed relationships and I am destined to walk the earth alone. The key must be in the pie.

So Thanksgiving on the Sunday before Thanksgiving didn't really seem like Thanksgiving. We had ham so there was no turkey or dressing. Not that I eat turkey or ham, but it still doesn't seem the same to have ham and hash brown casserole (I made that by the way).

Today, official Thanksgiving, we celebrated in the traditional way. We went to a nice restaurant, complete with turkey ice sculpture. I mean, isn't that what the pilgrims did?

Also new Thanksgiving tradition. Fondue. Or Fun-due. Yum.

The difference between Santa Claus and Jesus.
Pastor said it is wrong to tell our kids about Santa. Why? Because we tell our kids to believe in Jesus, Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. Then we eventually tell them that none of that stuff is real, we then have no credibility, but they should still believe in Jesus because we are telling them the truth about that. I have spent considerable time reflecting upon this because I have forced the whole Santa thing upon my child and needed to feel better about being deceitful Mommy. Here's the deal. We teach our kids with Jesus there is grace and forgiveness. However, with Santa, very plain and simple, there is NO grace and forgiveness. You are either good or bad. You either get good stuff or coal. And that's it. Big diff.

Since it is thanksgiving, I will take a moment to reflect on a few things I am thankful for:
-toilet paper; indoor plumbing
-tweezers, because left to our own devices we would grow a full beard
-haircolor
-contact lenses
-Starbucks
-sock monkeys, especially evil ones
-Taco Bueno
-little rat dogs who love you unconditionally
-little boys who steal your heart
-big boys who break your heart
-still being able to wear prom dress

It's all good.

-Robyn...man I wish Pei Wei was open today
- posted by Robyn @ 3:08 PM 2 comments

 
Super Girl will save helpless rat dog from swooping hawks and falling leaves

I am the worst mother in the world, part 19, 395

My son had to miss recess today and stay inside and write sentences. Why? Because he was bad? Nooooooo. Because mommy forgot to sign his assignment book. Sigh. I just can't get it together.

The Human Head Weighs 8 Pounds

Okie Dokie got his hair cut. He weighs 8 pounds. His body is itty-bitty. He looks like a rat. However, the groomer left his head all fluffy with fur. So he looks like he might topple over. Nathan has taken to calling him "Owl Head" or "Owlie Howlie" instead of Okie Dokie. 1. Because they've been studying owls in school. 2. He does kind of look like an owl. He does look rather ridiculous and when I take him outside he shivers from the cold because he has no fur. I would get him a sweater, but that would only serve to make him look more ridiculous. My dog has no survival skills. I took him outside this morning and he became startled twice: once when a leaf fell out of a tree practically right on top of him, and again when a bird swooped precariously close. Thank goodness it wasn't a hawk trying to snatch the rat dog away!

Employee told me I have no conscience because I continue to drink Starbucks coffee. That seems like a pretty broad statement based on my beverage choice, but ok. Whatever. I guess if I have no conscience, I can start doing all sorts of stuff. Let's get ready for some fun.

At the office on a Saturday morning after my all-carb breakfast: hashbrowns and toast. I had grape jelly on my toast so maybe that counts as a fruit?

Girls should never wear baseball caps. No, they don't look cute. I just don't get the whole "rolled out of bed" look. No thank you.

I saw Bridget Jones Diary, Part II. Good. Colin Firth - excellent. It was a fabulous night out. Dinner at Pei Wei followed by Bridget Jones. Followed by nighty-night in my Old Navy pajama bottoms, pink with froggies.

I have on my Super Girl panties today. I saw "The Incredibles" last weekend. Excellent movie. My body is eerily similar to that of Elastic Girl. If they would have made her blonde, the resemblence would have been uncanny.

-Robyn...no conscience and trashy panties but I won't sign your assignment book

- posted by Robyn @ 11:22 AM 0 comments

 
execu-trix cord-o-roy
Let's sum things up, shall we?

Krispy Kreme - took them to my staff working on Saturday. Observed when I was picking up the donuts that everyone in Krispy Kreme was fat. I thought "Oh my, what am I doing here?" ???

Pei Wei. They will give you a side of the wok-seared tofu for $2.95. And if you can get someone else to pick it up for you, then it's free. That's even better.

Took my mom to church this a.m. Mom will give the pastor license on a lot of stuff, but today he went too far. He said we should not tell our kids the Santa Claus lie. Gasp. I saw my mom shift from side to side and start to boil in her chair. Notice I said chair and not pew.

Serious eyebrow issues. I was noticing at work last week that one of the gay guy's eyebrows were very neatly groomed and it made me feel bad. Must get to plucking. Ugh. I hate that.

Another e-mail thing-a-ma-jig - guy at work who asked me out...sent me an e-mail on Friday explaining how he has a mental condition that makes him twitch and stuff. Seriously this guy told me he had a mental condition and twitches. Yea sign me up for that. Sorry, buddy, but I get to be the screwed up one in a relationship. It's all about me baby!

Tick-Tock
My half year birthday passed yesterday without any fanfare. Darn. So now I am 33 and 1/2. I always think about my half year birthday, and here's the other goofy thing I do. I always think on August 6 it is 9 months until my birthday. He is my train of thought on this once a year passing. I think to myself..."Hey, it's August 6. If I get pregnant right now, I will be another year older when I have a baby". Like I'm 33, if I get pregnant right this minute I'll be 34. And you know that's not going to happen. Then I start thinking about the fact that Nathan is almost 9 and how I've waited way too long between kids. And if I got pregnant right this minute Nathan would be "x" age by the time the baby got here. And then I start thinking about how easy it is to not cart around a whole babies-r-us with you everywhere you go and how simple my life is. OK, I know it's weird, but that's just me.

Why it is great to be me. Here is one reason. I've eaten three meals today, and have not had to pay for a one of 'em.

Well here it is Sunday night. Are there groceries in this house? No. Is the laundry done? No. But the nails and toenails look fabulous and I've got lots of other stuff goin' on.

-Robyn...just a series of numbers in a spreadsheet
- posted by Robyn @ 6:53 PM 1 comments

 
hey, there's more to life than being cute
Whoa, nelly.

I just did something very strange. Very weird. Not at all like me.

I ate leftovers.

Weird, huh?

Don't be too impressed. I'm mean, it's not like food I actually cooked. It was leftover Pei Wei.

When I was married, my former would not do the whole leftover thing. When I was growing up, I lived in a house with two boys. Pahhhlease, there were never any leftovers.

Anywho. Yea for me.

Hooray for Airbake

I am so excited! I got Airbake cookie sheets! 3 sizes! It's a 3 size combo! Is this not the best present ever? My former spouse took my former airbake cookie sheet when we divided up our former possessions and dissolved our former union. Outta all the things he kept - do ya think he really bakes a lot of cookies? I love to bake cookies, and everytime I have baked them since I moved into the Condo 9 months ago, I have burnt the bottoms and cursed my former spouse. Now if I burn cookies I will have no one to blame but me!

How sad. This entire entry is about food. I bet you people liked it better when they were about panties. Bunch of sickos.

-Robyn...want some cookies?

- posted by Robyn @ 11:22 AM 1 comments