bdr! dreambride2005!
- posted by Robyn @ 9:23 PM 1 comments

 
It's a bird! Its a plane! Its Superman!!!
Places where my new diamond engagement ring looks fabulous:
1. in the shower
2. laying in my bed
3. typing on my keyboard at work
4. waiting in the line at Starbucks
5. at church
6. Petting the much hated poodle

You get the point.

Turns out he wasn't mad at me in the car on the way to Medieval Times in Dallas. Turns out he was slightly freaking that we would get lost not make it on time miss the whole show and his perfect proposal plan. Oh and I was like an hour late to his house so he probably was a teensy bit mad at me too.

It was
1. The single most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me. Perhaps the single most romantic thing of all time.
2. A total surprise...I mean you should have seen what I was wearing! But oh well. That's really who I am on a Saturday with wavy hair from not caring if my hair got wet in the rain wearing capri pants and flip flops.
3. perfect
4. Done in such a way that it included our kiddos and I think will be a good and special memory for the kiddos.
5. Did I mention it was perfect?

Stuff
1. I am dreambride2005.
2. If you would like to see my ring, tonight before you go to bed, look out your window. See that sparkle in the sky? That's it. The poodle hating pastor may despise small animals, but he can pick out the jewelry.
3. Nathan has already labeled a piece of paper in his school notebook 'wedding planner'. He's getting it all figured out for me. You'd think he was a bridezilla.
4. My mother has already put in her two cents worth on dresses. Even worse though...she called me AT WORK to make sure I knew I needed to get on 'the pill' so we wouldn't have any 'little surprises'. Ick. Thank you...and at this time I do need to remind you calls may be recorded for quality assurance. I am 33 for crying out loud....33 1/2! If I didn't have this whole reproduction thing figured out by now, I'd have like 12 kids! I messaged the pastor poodle hater prospective partner to inform him of my very helpful mother and to say do you see why she doesn't get to be involved in anything?
5. The pastor was very sweet and asked for my hand in marriage. My dad took this opportunity to tell him I can't cook! Where did this come from?
6. The ring has not come off my finger since he put it there. In order for it to come off it will have to be removed from my cold, dead finger. Even then I will rise from the dead and kick the ever-livin ass of whoever dares to touch the bdr.
7. I have my dress. I have booked reception. We have chapel. Invitations are on the way. I'm on the pre-wedding diet. And the most serious indicator of all...I have the appointment to get my hair done. We are not messin' around here.
8. Most importantly, fairy tales DO come true. Either that, or I totally wore the guy down and he was willing to do anything to shut me up.

That's all for now. Yes, I will totally run this into the ground, and enjoy every minute of it.

-Robyn...I still shave my armpits every single day.
- posted by Robyn @ 9:08 PM 2 comments

 
So what if I don't like peanut butter! What's it to ya?
In car with Poodle Hating Pastor and kiddos on our way to Medieval Times.

Got up this a.m. and spent considerable time making sammiches to stop and eat for lunch. Well let me back up a bit. Went to the grocery store last night to buy the stuff for the sammiches. Granted, I bought some other stuff too, but I spent $60.

So I get up this morning to make the picnic. I cannot buy regular bread at the grocery store. I never buy that processed, refined stuff. It is not good for you and it does not taste good. So when I buy bread, which is rare cuz I don't eat it, I go to the bakery. So I have this fresh baked bakery bread with sunflower seeds and all sorts of healthy stuff. Then I can't buy regular peanut butter and jelly. So I buy the all natural peanut butter that has the natural separation of oil on top that you have to stir up really well. And I don't even like peanut butter! And I have to buy the fruit only jelly. Why are you still reading this?

Anyway I make all these damn sandwiches and it takes way too much time and I spent so much damn money I'm thinking why in the heck are we just not stopping at mcdonalds? I hate mcdonalds, I hate them so much I'm not even going to capitalize their name. But I really don't like peanut butter and jelly either.

Well this ought to be a great trip. I started my period this morning and the Poodle Hating Pastor is perturbed at me because I was not punctual this morning. He is pretty much not speaking to me.

It is a good thing we are not joking around about proposals anymore because I am pretty sure he has completely changed his mind about me because I am always late and I am selfish.

I'm reminded of something everytime I encounter peanut butter. Several years ago I had to go to Mississippi for a business trip. I was a fraud investigator at the time and I had to teach some fraud awareness classes. The president of the company I was visiting took me out to dinner one night. He told me "Robyn there are two kinds of people in this world --- those who like peanut butter and those who don't". Then he said "you, Robyn, don't like peanut butter". I never asked him to explain what that meant and for YEARS it has driven me crazy. I no longer work for the company but I have even thought of calling the guy up and asking him what it meant.

-Robyn...neither crunchy nor creamy
- posted by Robyn @ 11:26 AM 1 comments

 
people we are not joking around here!
The Pastor Poodle Hater does NOT think it is funny to joke around about proposals. So sorry, but will have to pause on proposal punchlines probably because they make the procrastinating poodle hating pastor panic profusely.

Here's the text message I got from him:
I know we have both joked about it but today for some reason the proposal joke was not funny to me.

Well, allrighty then!

I have been to five "worship experiences". Actually I said I had been to church 5 times, but Pastor said that some of them did not count so I should put them under the category of worship experiences.
1. I went to the Pastor's church.
2. I went to church of the jumbotron.
3. Then I went to another church with the Pastor when he did the Passover service.
4. Then I went to the Buddhist Temple.
5. Then I went to a HolyThursday service.

It is interesting that here, in the Bible Belt, the two most warm & welcoming worship experiences I have been to in the past year include the Buddhist Temple and the Jewish Temple.

-Robyn
- posted by Robyn @ 11:19 AM 0 comments

 
a tisket, a tasket, let's drive self crazy making stupid easter baskets
Drove myself crazy buying stuff for easter baskets. It is strange dating hanging around with being friends with being sig other special friend with someone who has kids. My inclination for my shopping convenience at the Super Target is to buy three of everything. But his kids are not my kids so I cannot buy the same things and my kid's basket has to be *nicer*. Also if his kids were my kids they would be getting the Hello Kitty plush easter baskets this year so it is all so very complicated you see.

There's also this whole other complicated thing that my kid still probably believes in the Easter Bunny and you already know Poodle Hater hates small, cute dogs so it will come as no great surprise to you that he also despises large, basket-delivering bunnies. I hold out constant hope for anyone, anything that will bring me a present during the night....even an incubus. A girl's gotta have faith, right?

Back to being nutty over baskets. I was trying to explain this basket-insanity to the Poodle Hater, and his clever reply was that I was acting like my mom. I was already upset without this little factoid.

Perhaps Easter Bunny will bring me the Hello Kitty basket filled with Barbie eggs and my precious Russell Stover's white chocolate easter bunny and a turquoise Tiffany colored plastic easter egg with a.... must stop this!

Already in great form to be future evil step-monster. Went on day trip with Poodle Hater and small children yesterday. Small Child #2 did not want me to go because I make her *mind*. And to think I wanted to buy her the Hello Kitty basket! Now if I could only get the Poodle Hater to behave.

-Robyn...living in fear of small, midget-size Jesus's who do kung fu and poke people in the eye but hoping the Easter Bunny sneaks in
- posted by Robyn @ 7:20 AM 0 comments

 
Pores, Passover, PF Changs prejudice and pedicured polished feet on proposalwatch2005
On proposalwatch2005. I have a date tonight. Hmmmm could this be it? Have had facial, mani and pedi just in case.

Poodle-hater (by the way this is really catching on as his nick-name) says that if he proposes then I will not have anything to blog about. Nuh-uh!

I have had polish on my toes for a week solid. I could not take it any longer.

I made Mom eat at PF Changs. Mom hates asian food and has some sort of perceived prejudice against asian restaurants which probably involves cooking small dogs and immigrants living in the back of the restaurant.

I now have internet on my phone so I can blog any time I want. Pastor Poodle Hater says that I can blog about stuff that he does (besides proposing) in real time. Like for instance he just said "tonight would have been a good night to propose...but now the moment is gone". Then he said "you are not typing that, are you"?

Starting to get annoyed with self that I am home so very little. I sleep, wake up, get dressed for work, miscellaneous run-around stuff. Come home, take clothes off, throw into hamper, take makeup off, collapse, repeat. I really dislike that this is how I am living. I am not at home enough to relax in and enjoy my home. If I calculated the cost per hour that I spend at my home...well I don't even want to think about it.

Back to blog entry already in progress...twas interrupted by aforementioned date...no, tonight was not proposalnight2005. He has invited me to go with him tomorrow night when he does some passover service and I immediately had some passover-related-proposal fantasy. Must. Stop. This. Line. Of. Insane. Thinking.

-Robyn
- posted by Robyn @ 6:50 AM 0 comments

 
major holiday, march madness and mobile phones
Today is a major holiday. So you know what THAT means. It means I will somehow convince myself that I’ll get a ring with some sort of Irish-themed proposal. But the trouble is I am really tired and do NOT feel well, so unfortunately I don’t even think I can work myself into a frenzy over this today.

I got Nate a cell phone. I struggle with the concept of a cell phone for a 9 year old, but it’s just a cheapie pre-paid thing. He is going out of town with former spouse and I think the pre-paid cell is a good idea – then Nate & I don’t have to worry about things like former spouse complaining about his cell phone minutes---roaming, etc. or former spouse’s cell phone not working etc. etc. This puts the ownership into Nate’s hands & empowers him to be able to call whenever he wants, so I think this could be a good thing. We’ll see how it works.

I made my college basketball brackets. I have Duke and Penn in the final two, with Duke going all the way baby. I spent more time drawing pretty-pretty princess pictures on the very masculine looking brackets than I did picking teams.

Oh, back to the whole cell phone thing. I got a new phone too. The T Mobile Sidekick. It is a phone, a camera, a calendar, full web browsing, email, text messaging… It’s fine and dandy that it does all that stuff but let’s focus on what’s important. It’s pink. I would tell you the drama behind getting a new cell phone but people I just don’t feel good. Sigh.

-Robyn …everybody likes a nice Irish girl
- posted by Robyn @ 7:54 AM 0 comments

 
Whoppers, wayward lists and what-a-man, what-a-man, what a mighty mighty good man
Someone is trying to get on my good side and left a box of Whoppers on my desk this morning. Yea for the Whoppers. Yes, I am that easily bribed. But now I am torn it's only 10 in the morning, and I'm not one to eat food much before 1 p.m., but I am wanting to eat the Whoppers. eat the Whoppers eat the Whoppers eat the Whoppers

People who probably must pre-approve a possible cell phone plan partnership between me and the Pastor Poodle Hater Proposal Procrastinator person:
-well, him
-his parents?????*
-some board of trustees superintendents papal council of church people* but some of them are out of the country, busy, etc.
-the Pope*
-Bob Sagat*

*people I don't know

It might just be easier for me to combine cell phone plans with another woman.

OK, I might have thrown a random name or two in that list but it all sorta seemed so random anyway I figured a few more wouldn't hurt.

People/small animals who don't have a say-so
-the poodle

People who will want a say-so, but won't get one
-Mom (Dad really won't care as long as he doesn't have to help me move)
-Nate the Great - his only child status is legendary
-Legions, I tell you legions of single women who WISH they could have a chance with the world's most eligible pastor who hates small dogs, regardless of how cute they are

Notice that my name is inconspicuously absent from above lists??? Not quite sure where I'd fall at this point.

The Whoppers are open. I repeat. The Whoppers are open. I am only going to eat 11. I had actually told myself I would only eat ten, but then I thought why does my weird-ass freaky obsessive-compulsive self only work in even numbers? So that's when I went with 11.

Reasons the Poodle Hater is the world's most eligible pastor (not an all-inclusive list)
-the Pope has been kinda sick
-cargo pants with lotsa pockets
-a multitude of small recording devices
-lack of hair on head (please refer to prior blog entries to see how it is I feel about hair on head)
-'66 Ford Mustang Convertible...what am I 16 and going to the Prom? I wish!
-he was and still is BMOC
-speaks several languages.....can whisper sweet nothings in your ear or send you text messages in a variety of foreign tongues
-he's a smarty
-he makes facial hair WORK
-he keeps me stocked with the latest InStyle magazine
-he doesn't wear a ball cap - ball caps are stupid
-he doesnt watch sports. I may even know more about sports-related things than he does
-adorably vertiginous
-parents live in a whole other state, in fact no family members within state border
-bought me this really cool vase thing - oh yes, he Indian-givered it...oh well
-cooks, cleans, does laundry
-Fills car up with gas! Takes out trash!
-takes the time to notice when I get my hair done, even if it's on a day when I actually haven't gotten my hair done
-when he knows I have to work late, brings me tortilla chips and queso and hot sauce!
-he goes to the gym a lot
-he showers frequently and always smells good
-he lets me eat his chocolate covered raisins
-he pays attention to stuff I like
-he puts up with me, and sometimes I can be a real pain in the bum (hey cute only gets one so far)
-he made me my own special taco soup with no meat in it
-he reads stuff...and some of it's not even printed on newsprint or slick magazine paper!
-he takes me to On the Border even though he hates it
-he has visited the Clinique counter for me...more than once
-he does not cower in fear over the 25th day
-he has POWER - power to pronounce people husband & wife, power to drive out demons, etc. etc. and what more could a girl want?

-Robyn...the Whoppers are all gone
- posted by Robyn @ 9:09 AM 1 comments

 
Tulsa, trendy tops, trashy thongs, tortilla chips, trays of tea, one tremendous tokus, Tuesdays and too many italics!
Road trip! Road trip!

Appears relationship with Pastor/Poodle Hater/Proposal Procrastinator has survived first out-of-town trip. Drove to Tulsa with Pastor and his kiddos to attend wedding he was officiating.

here's how it went
-I left work early on Friday. We drove my car to Tulsa. Once we got there, I watched his kiddos so that he could do the rehearsal. Then I helped with the kiddos during the rehearsal dinner.
-After the rehearsal events, one kiddo fell asleep, the other did not. While he put one kiddo to bed, I took the other to swim in the hotel pool.
-Next morning,. a quick check of the pastor's separate and distinct room revealed that the kiddos were awake and watching cartoons, and the Pastor was still trying to sleep. Me, being the nice nice nice nice nice person that I am, took kiddos to eat breakfast in the hotel, then we went in search of the nearest Starbucks because no one is pleasant until they've had their macchiato, and then went and explored the mall (which was not yet open) so the Pastor could sleep in. After all, he has to unite two people in holy matrimony! He must be fresh! If I was a dreambride2005, I'd want a fresh Pastor! What do I really have to do anyway...eat, shop, manicure?
- Divide and conquer before the wedding. I took one of the kiddos to my room to shower and dress, while he took the other.
-Watched the kiddos during the wedding. Did my best during all of these wedding-related events to be charming and engaging and friendly to the new people I was meeting.

Then it happened. At the reception. Are you ready for this? Pastor introduced me to someone as:

this is my friend Robyn

Sigh.

Sigh!

Did I mention sigh?!? My heart sank just a little bit, at least down to my giant fat ass (more about this later).

Pet peeve alert! Pet peeve alert! Huge giant pet peeve alert!

For some reason, this just really pisses me off. Friend indeed! I mean, did you just read all that stuff above? A very, very, very, very, very good friend indeed!

If you can't think of anything else to say besides friend, then just Robyn please! Even "good friend" would have been better. Some sort of qualifier!

Got to go to the big mall in Tulsa. It was quite exciting because I got to go to Aveda and to Frederick's of Hollywood. My normal mall has neither of these. Let's tackle them one at a time:

Aveda
-Walked into the store and the cute little blonde-bobbed (that's bobbed, not boobed) salesgirl comes over with a tray with a little cup of tea on it and says "would you like some hot tea"? Of course I would! So I told the girl how I didn't have an Aveda store, had to go on-line or to a salon, blah blah blah blah and she said
"Ill do your eyes"! Sure! I"d love that! Anyways, she ended up doing all my makeup! Yea for me! And since I was going to aforementioned wedding and had no makeup on, this was perfect.

Frederick's
I bought 11 pairs of panties. Thongs thongs thongs thongs thongs thongs thongs! Not one pair of undies that will cover my giant bum. Dug through the clearance bin! What, I ask you, could be more fun than digging through a bin of very naughty underwear that my mother would not approve of?

I was sick most of last week and still don't feel good. I am amazed at how much snot my body can produce. So I asked my body, "Body, how is it that you can make that much snot"? Then this little voice inside my head said "well you think you can eat THAT many tortilla chips, why is it unreasonable to think that we are capable of producing that much mucus"? Gross. One should never write about snot and sacred tortilla chips in the same paragraph.

I ended up going to the doctor twice which is pretty amazing since I'm not one to go to the doctor once. Things took an ugly, fat turn when I weighed at the doctor. I didn't look, but when the nurse put my chart on the counter I saw the number she had written down.

Oh. Holy. Jeepers.

I didn't mean to! I didn't want to know, but she wrote really big. And it was a really big number to write. There are some things that your eyes just cannot un-see. So I am presently a giant fat ass and not happy about it.

Last week I also got one of those lingerie inspired tops that are so trendy right now...looks like you are wearing a camisole. Yet another item not approved of/endorsed by Mom. So naturally not only did I get one, I got the wildest one I could find.

The thing about dating the same person for so long is that after a while you DO start to think that every holiday, occasion, just about anything is THE moment when he is going to propose. You are on proposal watch duty all the time. Even if he hates your dog. Even if you are a "friend". You know, major holiday's like Christmas, Valentine's, Ground Hog's Day, President's Day, the Spring Equinox, the one year anniversary of him asking for your phone number, March 4---you know, so you can "march forward", Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, anniversary of the constitution, Ash Wednesday, Chinese New Year, First of Muharram, Flag Day...you get the picture. I'd settle for just a Tuesday.

-Robyn...fat assed friend
- posted by Robyn @ 10:26 AM 1 comments

 
push up bras,pastors,poodle-haters,pretty-pretty princess printers,but NO pictures,polish,paintings,panties,phone plans or proposals with props
I got a ring! I got a ring! I got a ring!
-It’s pink.
-It’s NOT the kind of ring that means you are going to combine cell phone plans with someone.
But it is still big and pink and sparkly and pretty . I’ve not taken it off my finger. If I had a digital camera, I would take a picture of it and show it to you. Then you would be happy too. Even though my nails aren’t polished.
-It’s very nice to know that people who hate your dog but love you are thinking about you and buying you presents when they are out of town.

Church Boobies
Sunday I wore one of my wrap dresses to church. With one of my push-up bras. The pastor said “you look very breasty today”. I think he meant it in a you need to not wear a wrap dress and push up bra and body glitter to church sort of way, but no one ever says the phrase “you look breasty” to me so I totally took it in more of a delightful compliment sort of way.

boy am I dumb/red-faced/live in pretty-pretty princess fantasy land/have a vivid imagination
It is a good thing I am able to keep my mouth shut and that people aren’t able to hear my thought process.

Here is a for instance, I was totally able to convince myself that the pastor poodle hater was going to propose and had some big elaborate proposal scheme. Here's how it went. I picked him up at the airport the other night. He stopped and pulled a flower out of the ground and said “I’ll need that later”.

Hmmmm.

Then he says he has to go by his office for something.

Hmmmmmmmmm.

Then he pulls over to a tree and removes a branch. So naturally anyone would conclude from this succession of events that he has some big romantic proposal involving a single blossom and a stick. He’s very deep like that, it could happen. (I know, and monkeys could fly out my bum). And we are perfectly willing to draw this conclusion even though HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I was going to pick him up at the airport.

But in actuality when he was out of town he had bought me this really cool vase thing….it’s not really a vase but it’s a rock that has a hole in the middle to be a flower/stick receptacle. And he wanted to give it to me. It was very sweet and romantic.

So here’s what we learned. 1. I'm not smoking crack, I just have a very wild and strange imagination. 2. I need to relax. 3. Be thankful for what you have. 4. Push up bras really work, but they won’t get you a cell phone plan. 5. I am a fool, fool, fool for love.

Actually months ago I had another wild proposal fantastical fantasy involving a painting. I won’t EVEN tell you about it because it is WAY too embarrassing.

But I think the poodle-hating pastor won’t propose because he is the type of person who if he did something like that, it would mean that he had he would HAVE to go through with it. As long as he doesn’t propose then he always has a way out, a back door, an exit.

Sigh.

I vacillate – part of me knows that life is not like the movies and no one is going to blindfold me, sneak me in the back door of Tiffany’s and tell me to “pick one”. I really, really know that. But this other part of me who is a totally stupid girly girl thinks that it would be cool to have some big romantic fantasy.

For the most part, I feel really good about my life right now. My house is picked up, my bills are paid, my skin is clearing up and I am managing to survive in a nail-polish free world. I am very, very blessed. I do feel fat though after hibernating all winter…

It took me five months but I finally got invited to go to lunch with someone from work. Yea for me. I also got flowers at work. Yea for me! I came out of a meeting and they were waiting on my desk! There’s nothing like flowers to give you the will to live and come back into work the next day. One of the computer guys also let me name my printer so now when I print it goes to the “pretty pretty princess printer”. It’s important to find joy in the small things.

-Robyn
- posted by Robyn @ 8:20 AM 1 comments